So, recently I've been hearing about things. Deaths to be particular...a girl with whom I graduated was killed in a car accident, not to mention the news I got of some other, much younger people being killed in an auto accident as well. On top of all that, a girl who suffered from Lupus passed away recently too. It's all got me feeling very distressed, melancholy, confused, worried, vulnerable -weird.
I'm not sure if this is just something that starts to occur when you reach a certain age or if it happens to be an unfortunate rash of events. I'm suddenly very aware of my own mortality and that of everyone around me. My friends and family are perpetually on my mind and I find that I'm much more worried about their health and safety. Maybe I'm just behind and I should've been thinking about those things long before now or maybe it's just something that hits you right around the age of 25 - I don't know.
As I mentioned, I've been considering my own mortality more. I know that my parents were told when I was initially diagnosed with Lupus that I could, with treatment, survive to the ripe old age of 30-ish. It's amazing how close 30 seems all of a sudden...The funny thing is that it's not so much fear that I feel, it's panic. I'm worried about accomplishing the things that are important to me and I'm not sure exactly what is REALLY important to me. Obviously being the best friend and daughter/sister/niece/cousin - family member in general that I can be is high on the list, and that is something I do find to be incredibly difficult on occasion. I've always been a bit ornery and I think that had a lot to do with my feeling of having an indefinate period of time in which to amend any broken relationships and resolve any conflicts that may arise. I guess I'm beginning to realize that that will not always be the case and I just never know when the time will come when I can no longer restore broken ties.
I've also been considering exactly what it is I want to have done at the end of all this. I do know that it certainly doesn't involve staying in my apartment and arguing with my mother over whether the flowers she put in my living room are "too much". So, I've (for the most part) given up on trying to get my mom to stop buying me stuff. It seems to make her happy and I've come to the conclusion that that's a good thing. (Besides, a lot of the things she buys me are nice and I really do like them! LOL)
I'm still not sure of EXACTLY what I want to achieve but I do know that I've decided that I want to affect everyone I meet from this day forward POSITIVELY. I have come to the conclusion that if I can affect just a single person enough to make a real difference in this world, then my purpose will have been served. Of course I have no way of knowing for sure exactly who I've affected and what particular effect I've had on them, so I have to continue to try to have a good effect on as many people as possible. I think I ought to win some sort of prize for the most usage of the words "affect" and "effect" in a paragraph for that last one.
Okey dokey, I just had to get those thoughts out of my head and onto the internet...you know so that they could travel through time, space and wires and be implanted into your head (thoughtful of me, no?) There'll most likely be more incredible insight (haha) to come as I try to figure out what it is, exactly that I want to do and how I can have a positive effect on those around me, but for now, I'm tired and I should probably get some rest.
For the record, I love y'all (the grand total of 3 people who ever read this blog) and I cherish every millisecond of time I have with each of you. Yes, I'm getting creepily nostalgic. That's what you get for being such amazing friends/sisters! hehehe
